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Astros Concessions Just Plain Sh#$@y

After a bit of an internet fiasco, the Kings of Cork personal office is back to firing on all cylinders… something that the Houston Astros can say.

The Astros find themselves with the worst record in the American League (thankfully, Miami is worse in the National League), but somehow the organization managed to find themselves in even a crappier situation (pun intended).

Who in their right mind as a food vendor thinks its OK to take the food into the bathroom with them? I don’t care if you are about to s%$t your pants, I don’t care if some hooligans take free sno-cones from outside the restrooms, what I do care is that my food was next to the porcelain throne.

What I’m curious is how many one liners can we make from this incident. I’ll start but feel free to post your one liners below in the comments:

  • Does your sno-cone taste like crap? Because mine does.
  • Mom told me never to eat the yellow snow, but she didn’t say anything about the brown snow.
  • I didn’t think MinuteMaid park could get any crappier.
  • The Astros say ‘You are what you eat’ so no wonder why the team is so sh$#ty.
Category: Baseball Nonsense  Comments off  Tags: ,

Mariners Request Two DH Spots

Instead of surfing the world wide web for hilarious cat videos (that one is almost as funny as this one), you should be researching crazy baseball statistics.

Such as, comparing the combined batting average of all the Mariner shortstops versus the combined batting average of all the National League pitchers. Sure the NL has pitchers that are true gamers, like Samardzija/Gallardo/Gio/Kershaw/Stults/Miley/Hudson who all have home runs in 2013. Or how about Leake/Hudson/Teheron/Zito/Stults/Ryu/Bailey who are all batting over 0.250. But the fact is that pitchers are still batting a combined 0.124.

That’s not very good… but it is better than the Mariners’ shortstops who are batting 0.121. That is miserable. Brendan Ryan and Robert Andino just can’t get the bat on the ball. Andino has played 10 games at SS and has recorded 3 total hits for a 0.086 batting average. Brendan Ryan is helping the duo by batting 0.133 in 31 games. At least Ryan can say he is out hitting NL pitchers.

So there are two options for the Mariners and only two options:

  1. Request the use of two DH spots and sign Barry Bonds.
  2. Allow their pitchers to hit and use their DH for the SS bat.

If they decide to go with option 2, maybe they can sign Bigfoot to their starting rotation. Reports are he was last seen at Safeco Field and I bet he can hit the ball a ton.

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AA: Staged Gimmick or Damsel In Distress

Was this just another staged gimmick at a minor league ball game? Or was this actually an ignorant boyfriend?

Whatever it was, the reactions of the fans around them were awesome! Most of them seemed to not know that the couple was right in front of them, they were all staring at the big screen when they reacted.

Take note single HR derby males, do not talk on your phone during the kiss cam… unless you are pulling a blockbuster fantasy baseball trade or trash talking your buddies about doing horrible in the HR derby. Those reasons should be excusable by your girlfriend otherwise your relationship wouldn’t last anyways.

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Revenge of the Sixth: 5th Week in Review

For those of you that missed Star Wars day due to Cinco de Mayo preperations, we bring you the 5th week of the HR Derby in review on the Revenge of the Sixth.

  • Leader – Wahoo’s Wallbangers – My team is finally stalling out as expected. Narrowly holding on to the overall lead at 36 homers, my team managed to hit 5 homers last week. But as of tonight, the wallbangers are more like warning track bangers and have managed to only hit 2 home runs in the early part of May. The shark’s are circling beneath me and its only a matter of time…
  • First Shark in line – Mayer’s Mashers (M. Mayer) – Now that Upton has stopped hitting home runs every game, Mayer’s team had 6 long balls in the last week and none of them came from J-Up. His team also has 6 in the month of May and now sits at a total of 35 during the Revenge of the Sixth. If Cabrera, Pence, or Desmond heat up, his team is first in line to overtake the throne.
  • Third place – Team Mrs. Dziedzic – (L. Dziedzic) – All hail the Matt Joyce write-in… As the only team to choose Matt Joyce in Group E, her team is enjoying the benefit of him hitting 4 home runs in the 5th week of the derby. It may be the only time she gets to enjoy that type of benefit from Joyce but with 7 homers in the past week. Sitting at a HR total of 33 and having three unique choices among the top-20, if her team gets any hotter she will be leap frogging to the top.
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  • Largest Jump – Ice Prince Fielder (M. Carapella) – Four teams gained 30+ positions in the 5th week, but the most belongs to the Ice Prince Fielder. Their team moved 35 places thanks to 11 home runs in the week. Mark Trumbo was the leader during that week with 5 jacks, while they got 3 more from their team’s captain, Prince Fielder. They have since reached the top-25 (started at 27th this week) after a very slow start in the Derby. What I’m really hoping to see is Prince Fielder to land a triple axel on home plate after a home run. Although that will never beat this home run celebration from Prince.
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  • Largest Fall – Hitting homers like Mark McGwire in RBI baseball (M. Parker) – Thanks to the longest team name entered in the derby, I had to do some reformatting this season (next year expect a character limit). Their team’s punishment… taking the largest fall in the 5th week of the contest. Their team failed to hit a homer in the week and subsequently fell from 41st to 79th. Although they are at a slight disadvantage with only 3 active players (Heyward and Viciedo on the DL). Time is ticking for the trade date for either one of those players, and it serves as a reminder to check the DL list at the bottom of the standings page to see when you can trade any of your injured players (if you still have your 1 time trade left).
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  • Foreshadowing Award – Geezerhawks – (P. Schultz) – This team was mentioned in the month of April review simply because of their past performances in the derby (finishing 2nd and 5th). The dynasty seemed dead at the end of April with The Geezerhawks sitting in 81st out of 94 teams. But enter week 5 and watch their team hit 9 homers and jump 33 spots up to 48th place (now up to 41st on the night). Just another sign that no one can count their team out yet. It’s still way too early.
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Commish Rigged Month of April

You caught me… you caught the tater.

I know what you are all thinking, “This thing is rigged” or “How did he get four guys from Group A”. The truth is: my team is usually pathetic (I mean, bottom 10 teams) if it doesn’t have Michael Morse on it. They way I look at it is that everyone threw the month of April because they feel sorry for me. So, I’ll take winning the month of April as payment for my time running the derby. Thanks for being so considerate of my feelings (now where’s that sarcasm font…)

Another thing you might be saying is “Hey, where is my week 4 HR Derby recap?” Don’t worry impatient ones… This delay was all part of my plan knowing that April was ending. What does that mean? You get an entire Month in Review. So let’s get on with it:

  • First Winner – Wahoo’s Wallbangers (The Commish) – We already covered the conspiracy of April, but I should receive some props for having picking a team in January and only changing to Chris Carter in March after he was officially named a starter. Again, my team’s usually are awful except for when they have Mike Morse on them… as the MLB Network analysts like to say in their caveman voices, “Morse hit ball hard”. With the homer he hit tonight, he is now tied for the lead in home runs in the AL and only J-Up has more long balls than 9.
  • If you ain’t first, you’re last – The Wolfpack (N. Wolf) – I love that Ricky Bobby quote because it makes no sense. The Wolfpack was the first team submitted (besides mine) all the way back in February. He’s also the first entry that found my player sorting mistake and promptly picked Yoenis Cespedes in Group E. Now that Cespedes is healthy, The Wolfpack may be overtaking the lead in the month of May as long as Encarnacion and Rizzo continue to hit.
  • April Thunderstorms – Billy Goat (K. Corson) – The curse of the Billy Goat must be carried by this team. If I told you that Alfonso Soriano and Matt Kemp would be tied for home runs, you would probably guess that either Soriano got out to a fast start or Kemp is at the league average. But the truth is that they both have 1 home run… one. What is wrong with Matt Kemp? Now throw in Stanton who FINALLY hit a home run (actually three) in the last week of April but is now injured. And add Yadi who hasn’t found the power stroke from 2012 yet and you have 4/5 of a team that is struggling to hit balls over the fence. The current last place team had one more HR than last place at this time last year (seven) and that team went on to win the whole competition. There is still hope for every team.
  • It’s a roller coaster – Red’s Winners (D. Schultz) and Opto Slugger (C. Eisenhardt) – Week 4 of the home run derby also came to a close on Sunday. There are still teams moving a lot of places in a week and two of them actually jumped over 40 places. That large of a jump in the standings isn’t the only thing these two team’s have in common, they both have Encarnacion who hit 7 homers last week. That is not a typo… seven. Encarnacion is tied with ‘Morse hit ball hard’ at 9HR which leads the American League. Moving up 46 and 41 spots respectively, both of these teams are now in the Top-25 so their next moves of 40 will have to wait until they fall a few places or fall 40+.
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  • Struggling Dynasty – Geezerhawk (P. Schultz) – On the other end of week 4’s travels, Geez dropped 42 spots in the standings which was the largest drop. For the newbies, Geezerhawk has been building a dynasty in the Kings of Cork. They lost first place and ended in second on the final pitch of the 2011 HR Derby thanks to a Longoria walk-off Home Run. Then in 2012, Geezerhawk finished in 5th, so he’s two-for-two in the prize category. But in week 4, their team managed to hit 0 home runs and dropped from 39th to 81st place. This team is like the Yankees though, you can never count them out even when they are at their lowest.
  • Polar Opposites – Team Mr/Mrs Dziedzic (R/L Dziedzic) – I can’t end a HR Derby update without mentioning the third place team. Mrs. Dziedzic is a new player this season and was recruited by none other than last season’s champion. But her team isn’t playing like the new team and the previous champion team isn’t playing like champions (or are they). The Mrs. is sitting in a comfortable 3rd place after the month of April. She’s riding the only true power hitting 2B, Cano-DontchyaKnow, and JP Arencibia, while Adam Dunn’s sub-0.200 BA doesn’t matter but his 6HR does. I would rather be in her shoes than Mr. Dziedzics. Although, he may think otherwise. Last season his team had a total of seven home runs in April but ended up with 161 without using a trade. So even though his team may only have 14, he is on pace for either 7 more than last season or twice as many total home runs. I won’t be the one to wake him up from dreaming, but you can.