Archive for the Category »Baseball Nonsense «

Miami Marlins President Doesn’t Survive Off-Season

Happy first day of real baseball… that’s right, spring training games started today. I can’t wait til I’m watching live baseball in 80 degrees in Arizona. Because all this TV time due to the polar vortex is making me go insane. For those of you who don’t know me outside of my baseball personality, I’m a sucker for competition reality TV. Big Brother, Amazing Race, Redneck Island, Top Shot, etc… I like them all. But Survivor is one of my all-time favorites. I can remember VHS recording (the primitive DVR) the first season and watching naked Richard Hatch walk around like he owned camp followed by the greatest Survivor speech ever ‘The Rat vs The Snake‘.

So I was a bit excited to see when the casts were announced that David Samson, owner of the Miami Marlins, was going to be part of the Brains team. What was even better about this announcement was what was stated in his released game biography under his claim to fame. And I quote, ‘Got local government in Miami to contribute over 350 million dollars to a new baseball park during the recession.’

WOW!!! That’s some balls. I know I would be furious if I was reading that in Miami. And for a guy, who is always in the media’s listening ears, to state that not knowing it would come back to bite him. He doesn’t seem that brainy to me. He also sent his team’s strongest player packing, or so he thought, within minutes of meeting them. I hope he decides to do the same with the Marlins strongest player, Giancarlo (straight to the Brewers). So it’s not so ‘unbelievable’ that the Brains team voted him out as the first loser of Survivor this season.

Don’t worry David, you get to come back to a winning baseball team… only until April, when your team’s record is no longer 0-0.

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Breaking News: Astros Win AL and Marlins Win NL By Default

The MLB announced the suspensions from the Biogenesis scandal at 3pm ET today… and it wasn’t pretty.

It turns out that the original 12 players named on the report leaked in January by the Miami Times was just the beginning. In fact, EVERY player in the MLB and Minor League systems have been suspended for the remaining 50-games of the regular season…

EXCEPT the players of the Miami Marlins and the Houston Astros. Not because there wasn’t any evidence, but because the evidence just didn’t add up to the performance of the teams. It seems like logical reasoning was used to pardon these two complete teams. I mean, how can two teams who are accused of juicing only win a combined 79 games out of 220 games? They can’t lose that many even if they tried.

What does this mean for the remainder of the 2013 season? All teams not named the Marlins or Astros will forfeit the remainder of their games. Therefore, by default, Miami will finish 95-67 and win the NL Crown. Meanwhile, Houston will finish 88-74 and take the BQ9GFYCCQAAxMQ8AL Crown.

The playoffs will still be played and both teams will be required to appear in front of fans for batting practice in the following cities: Houston, Miami, Boston, Tampa Bay, Detroit, Atlanta, Pittsburgh, and St. Louis. After their tour of the country, they will finally meet in Miami and Houston for the World Series. This will be the lowest attended and viewed World Series in history since Miami only has 1 fan who usually falls asleep behind home.

Can we just get back to playing and talking about baseball game now? Good. Thanks.

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AA: Presidential Player Presiding

So maybe your fantasy baseball team is struggling, or maybe your real team is struggling, or maybe your statistical world just got rocked… Well, how about some marketing antics from The Commish’s backyard to cheer you up? (You don’t have a choice, you are going to hear it).

In the Northwoods League, the Waterloo Bucks are holding a great promotion on July 13th for Presidents’ Day. Not that they need the fan support (they took 1st in the 1st half of the season), but any fan with the last name of any of the 44 US Presidents gets in to Saturday’s game for free.

That’s not all… if you have a last name the same as the current President, you get to play shortstop for the team (pending a physical). Do you know how bad I want to find someone with the last name Obama?! Just to see some random person play shortstop for a single inning would be awesome. Too bad no one within 240 miles meets said criteria.

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Astros Concessions Just Plain Sh#$@y

After a bit of an internet fiasco, the Kings of Cork personal office is back to firing on all cylinders… something that the Houston Astros can say.

The Astros find themselves with the worst record in the American League (thankfully, Miami is worse in the National League), but somehow the organization managed to find themselves in even a crappier situation (pun intended).

Who in their right mind as a food vendor thinks its OK to take the food into the bathroom with them? I don’t care if you are about to s%$t your pants, I don’t care if some hooligans take free sno-cones from outside the restrooms, what I do care is that my food was next to the porcelain throne.

What I’m curious is how many one liners can we make from this incident. I’ll start but feel free to post your one liners below in the comments:

  • Does your sno-cone taste like crap? Because mine does.
  • Mom told me never to eat the yellow snow, but she didn’t say anything about the brown snow.
  • I didn’t think MinuteMaid park could get any crappier.
  • The Astros say ‘You are what you eat’ so no wonder why the team is so sh$#ty.
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Mariners Request Two DH Spots

Instead of surfing the world wide web for hilarious cat videos (that one is almost as funny as this one), you should be researching crazy baseball statistics.

Such as, comparing the combined batting average of all the Mariner shortstops versus the combined batting average of all the National League pitchers. Sure the NL has pitchers that are true gamers, like Samardzija/Gallardo/Gio/Kershaw/Stults/Miley/Hudson who all have home runs in 2013. Or how about Leake/Hudson/Teheron/Zito/Stults/Ryu/Bailey who are all batting over 0.250. But the fact is that pitchers are still batting a combined 0.124.

That’s not very good… but it is better than the Mariners’ shortstops who are batting 0.121. That is miserable. Brendan Ryan and Robert Andino just can’t get the bat on the ball. Andino has played 10 games at SS and has recorded 3 total hits for a 0.086 batting average. Brendan Ryan is helping the duo by batting 0.133 in 31 games. At least Ryan can say he is out hitting NL pitchers.

So there are two options for the Mariners and only two options:

  1. Request the use of two DH spots and sign Barry Bonds.
  2. Allow their pitchers to hit and use their DH for the SS bat.

If they decide to go with option 2, maybe they can sign Bigfoot to their starting rotation. Reports are he was last seen at Safeco Field and I bet he can hit the ball a ton.

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AA: Staged Gimmick or Damsel In Distress

Was this just another staged gimmick at a minor league ball game? Or was this actually an ignorant boyfriend?

Whatever it was, the reactions of the fans around them were awesome! Most of them seemed to not know that the couple was right in front of them, they were all staring at the big screen when they reacted.

Take note single HR derby males, do not talk on your phone during the kiss cam… unless you are pulling a blockbuster fantasy baseball trade or trash talking your buddies about doing horrible in the HR derby. Those reasons should be excusable by your girlfriend otherwise your relationship wouldn’t last anyways.

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AA: We The Jury Find The Runner… Safe!

Who needs instant replay when you can have a jury?

That’s just what the St Paul Saints intend to find out on May 11th in a game against the Gary South Shore Railcats. In fact, they are getting rid of all umpire’s and replacing them with two judges and two juries.

No, the jury will not be selected through “random draw” like typical jury duty. In fact, all the jury members will be minors… yes, minors. They will be made up of 24 little leaguers (12 for each jury, 1 jury for each team) and replace the base umpires.

The home plate umpire will be replaced by a ‘judge’. It will still be a usual umpire, but be dressed in the typical black robe. However, he will not call balls and strikes from his usual position. Instead, he will stand behind the pitcher and call the game (seen in a Brewers spring training game this year, and reminiscent of the 19th century).

The juries will rotate half-innings and majority rule will decide the runners’ fates. A tie will not go to the runner, instead the judge will break the tie.

But this gets even better, not only will there be a judge on the field, but the fans will also have a judge in the stands that they can take their objections to. Which could turn out to be the best/worst idea if the boozers show up for the game.

This game should be marked on everyone’s road trip calendars because you will get the most game for your buck in this one. Not only will you get to watch 6 hours of baseball, but it also means beer sales ending in the top of the 8th inning won’t occur until 4.5 hours after game start. Please refer to the boozers link above for history that may repeat itself.

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AA: MiLB Gimmicks Are Back

It’s been a while since there was an Audience Augmenter post, so let’s bring at least one back in 2013…

While you are catching up on your Sandlot Retrieval Skills, here are some interesting Minor/Independent League promotions that you may want to road trip to experience:

  1. Lennay Kekua Bobblehead Night – You may be asking yourself ‘Who is Lennay Kekua?’. Well, you aren’t alone because the entire US was asking that same question in January when Manti Te’o announced his deceased girlfriend had called him in December. Her name: Lennay Kekua. And what followed was a confession of a year long hoax about the girlfriend being fake and the voice being a mans… So what does the Florence Freedom marketing department think about this whole National Event? How can we capitalize on this… The answer:Lennay Kekua Bobblehead Night. That’s right, the first 1,000 fans through the gates will get a Lennay Bobblehead, which of course is an empty box. But it doesn’t end there, an entire section will be kept reserved for fans and their imaginary significant others. Two seats for the price of one, but only one person allowed. And to top it all off, there will be a kiss cam roaming this section as well. So mark your calendars for May 23rd so you can be one of the lucky fans that get the collectible of the year. I wonder how much one could sell said bobblehead autographed by Te’o for on Ebay?
  2. Urinal Gaming System Cures Awkward Stare – The Queens of Cork will need to use your imagination on this one… All you guys know that awkward moment when someone ponies up to the urinal next to yours and you have to make that decision. Are you going to strike up a conversation or are you going to stare straight forward at the bare off white colored brick? Well fellow urinal users fear not because the Leigh Valley Iron Pigs have a solution. The Urinal Gaming System. It’s time to stop simply flushing your recycled beer down the drain and start using it to maneuver your skier around gates, put out burning buildings, or answer trivia questions. The best part is you get to see how your score compares to your fellow pee’rs after the game. Bring it on PinBalls Hero.
  3. Fans Will Be Fined $1 For Improper Spelling Of Team Name – The A’s Triple-A affiliate, The Sacramento River Cats, have officially warned the media, it’s employees, and it’s fans. If you even dare spell the team name without a space or with a lower case ‘r’ or ‘c’, you are subject to a fine… of $1. I will not post any examples as I can’t afford the fine, so if you wan’t to know what is acceptable or not, check out their press release. Don’t worry, hand written notes, text messages, and tweets are not subject to penalties.

Got any other interesting promotions that I should mark as a stop on a baseball road trip, let me know about them in the comments below.

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Who’s Up for a Joyful Jog Through the Quad?

After you get done watching Bear Grylls throw the high heat (literally), it’s time to discuss this year’s streaking session.

Have you ever asked, “How could I retire early and spend all of my Spring, Summer, and Fall days watching baseball?”

Well, The Commish has an answer for you… get a hit streak longer than Joe DiMaggio. “But I don’t play professional ball,” you may reply. Well, The Commish has an answer to that as well… head over to and play Beat the Streak. The first person to accumulate 57 hits (1 more than DiMaggio’s record) receives $5.6 Million.

The concept is simple: Pick a player each day. If that player gets a hit, your hit streak increments by 1. If he fails to get a hit, you go back to 0. It’s that simple, Or is it. Since 2001, no one has achieved this feat. Someone reached 49 in 2007, which is 5 more than Pete Rose’s NL record. But that could change this season. implemented a new rule. You can pick 2 players per day and increase your streak by 2. If either player fails to get a hit, your streak goes back to 0. I say, no guts, no glory. is also giving away monthly prizes and prizes for teams achieving a hit streak longer than 30. So there isn’t a reason not to play.

So head over to and register. After you register make sure you add yourself to the KingsOfCork group on the Beat the Streak picks page.

Group Name:KingsofCork
Password: peterose

The goal is to have someone from our group show that we don’t only dig the long ball, but long streaks as well. Let’s bring home the prize!

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Get Me Out To The Baaall Game

Here’s something to read/watch to keep you sane on your nine-hour layover.

So who’s sick of the MLB blackout policy? Probably only a select group of you. Most of said group is probably located in Iowa, Western Illinois, Nevada, Utah, New Mexico, Oklahoma, or Arkansas. These areas have the most blacked out teams. Take Arkansas and Oklahoma, residents can’t watch games from the Cardinals, Royals, Houston, or Texas. Now if one of those teams have a local network deal, they would have the ability to watch that team. Then you have Iowa, residents here are blacked out from the Twins, Brewers, Cubs, White Sox, Royals, and Cardinals. What does the MLB expect… they want to force Iowans to drive 5-6 hours in any direction to watch a live baseball game? Ridiculous. At least residents can watch the Cubs in their ‘rebuilding’ years on WGN.

One plus (if it can be called that) to being stuck in an area with multiple markets, you get the opportunity to watch the marketing departments duke it out in advertising. It seems obvious that the best marketing departments are these teams in the multiple team markets. Take a look below at some of the Kings of Cork favorites from the 2012 campaign (I think the Cardinals not only won the World Series, but their Marketing Department mopped the floors with the rest of baseball’s marketing).

Those aren’t all of the 2012 MLB commercials but IMO, they are some of the best. But if you disagree, link me to some of the others (from 2012) that you believe should be on this list. We will gladly add them to the list.