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Hunter Pence Laughs At His Own Jokes

I don’t remember if I brought this to everyone’s attention or not, but in early August some hecklers got very clever and the MLB fan base exploded with copycats. What made these hecklers so clever? They specifically targeted San Franciso’s awkward, googly eyed, Hunter Pence with ridiculous trolling signs. Just simple statements that if they were true would make you look at the person being accused and say “How” or “Why”.

Here are some examples:

    Hunter Pence Hates Bacon – who doesn’t like bacon?
    Hunter Pence Cant Shuffle Playing Cards – So he can hit a 98MPH fastball but his hand eye coordination isn’t strong enough to shuffle a deck?
    Hunter Pence Still Uses Websites From the 90’s – What’s a tweet and where is this book of face?
    Hunter Pence has Sharknado Insurance – Screw zombie apocalypse, if its raining sharks I’m going to get my roof and livestock replaced.

The best part was Hunter Pence even responded to the signs with his own Memes on Twitter:

But he wasn’t satisfied so he needed to put it into real words (aka rap music):

I wish this was the normal convention for heckling and athlete personalities. Instead the last few weeks the sporting world has been clouded by controversy, legal issues, and down right crude/unacceptable role model behavior. Something needs to change because money and egos are going straight to the brain for too many of these gifted and talented players.

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AA: Bribing Fans In July

Welcome Back! I always find myself struggling to find time to make posts come summer. And it doesn’t get easier from here on out. But one of the coolest things about running this site is meeting or running into people that play in our HR derby. Believe it or not, we have contestants from East to West and North to South (last season we even bridged the Atlantic Ocean). And recently, I was honored in witnessing two of our teams tie-the-knot in the Rocky Mountains (congrats Cowhide Joyride and Ruby In The Rockies). And one of the bonuses of this trek was getting to meet even more of our players face to face. The expression on your faces when I break the news that I’m ‘The Commish’ is always priceless. So who knows, The Commish may be coming to a town near you and maybe we will become more than just faces in the crowd (or words in an email).

One way to bribe me to a town near you is with baseball. Obviously, I enjoy baseball. Some people may even call it an addiction. I just can’t turn baseball off inside my head. But most people aren’t like me, so it takes some coaxing to get them to head on out to the ballpark. Last month I covered the minor league affiliates who had some of the best and weirdest free giveaways. So where should you go in the month of July to get some one-of-a-kind items? Well, start mapping out your July road-trip through these cities:

  • Friends Don’t Let Friends Be IronPigs Fans – Scranton RailRiders – July 1 – You can wear this shirt anywhere but Allentown, PA. If you wear it there, it’s your own funeral.
  • Second Wise Man Bobblehead – Nashville Sounds July 11 – If you got the first one in June, you have to get the second one to continue towards the coolest nativity scene in your neighborhood.
  • Sequin Glove – Toledo Mud Hens – July 12 – SEQUINS!!!! O-EM-GEE!! It’s totes adorbs. I can only hope that it distracts the other team’s batters while I’m in the field.
  • Tiara – Wisconsin Timber Rattlers – July 12 – If you couldn’t make it to Toledo in time for the Sequin glove, you could settle for a tiara if you happen to be in Wisconsin. I mean who wouldn’t be pumped for Princess Night at the ballpark.
  • Slap Watch – Louisville Bats July 13 – Please tell me you remember slap bracelets… Oh the 80’s and early 90’s. Now we are in the future and technology is better. So how do you make a fashion weapon even better? You add a watch to it, so you know the exact time that you hit your brother over the face with it.
  • Beer Stein – Albuquerque Isotopes July 18 – I don’t know what your bar-ware collection looks like, but if it’s anything like mine, there is always room for 1 more beer stein. And if there isn’t, you build another cabinet.
  • Duck Dynasty Tea Cup – Cedar Rapids Kernels July 18 – I was very tempted to make a trip to this game after reading ‘Tea Cup’. I would look a lot more manly at tea-time if I had a teacup with a giant beard on it. But alas, its a cup made for sweet tea similar to the one Si drinks out of.
  • Pujols Garden Gnome – Inland Empire 66ers July 19 – I only have a garden so that I have a home for sports gnomes. Seriously. Bernie Brewer shifts to a new home every time the Brewers lose. So go get your has been Pujols gnome. He needs a loving, caring home.
  • Free Loaf Of Bread – Reading Fightin’ Phils – July 20 – Boom! Shopping list done. Yes honey, I remembered the bread.
  • Salt & Pepper Shakers – Lakewood Blueclaws July 24 – Phew. I’ve been looking everywhere to up my salt and pepper shaker collection by one. These old squirrel ones aren’t just cutting it anymore and need to be retired. And just in case you miss this game, you can go to the July 27 game and get your Umbrella Hat. Here’s hoping for rain on Sunday the 27th.
  • Babe Ruff Snow Globe – Birmingham Barons July 26 – Sweet, a snow globe… in July?! I kind of wonder who this Babe Ruff character is. Is it a dog’s head on Babe Ruth’s body or is it Babe Ruth’s head on a dog’s body? Either way, what an awesome gift to display not just at Christmas, but all year round.
  • Ugly Sweater Jersey – Lowell Spinners – July 24 – Um… the picture is worth 1,000 words. I would totally wear this on Christmas and the 10 days after. No need for washing.
  • Santa Hat – Arkansas Naturals – July 24 – What’s with all the Christmas in July. I like snow but why remind me of the cold when the heat finally got here. It’s too bad I can’t get the ugly sweater and the santa hat. Why did they plan these giveaways on the same night!
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AA: June’s Fan Bribes

It’s time for some AA (Audience Augmenter) posts in 2014 thanks to a lead from The Golden Trouts. They sent me a great link to a promotion the Indian’s Class A affiliate, the Lake County Captains, are running August 1st. The first 1500 fans get an AWESOME Jobu bobblehead. I think one of our teams, Jobu Needs ANOTHER Refill, needs this on their desk as a team mascot.

I love these types of fan enticing gimmicks. What better way to persuade fans to come to a sporting event than bribing them with crap that people love (I’m one of those guys that love bobbleheads and I don’t know why). But this link got me thinking… what other head scratching fan giveaways are going on in the Minor Leagues that will definitely attract some sort of fans. Well, after a little research, I found the ones in June that made me do just that, scratch my head. So mark your calendars for these upcoming dates:

  • Starling Marte Oven Mitt – Altoona Curve June 1st – Unfortunately, you missed out on owning this one of a kind oven mitt. I mean who wouldn’t want to remember a struggling CF every time they pulled their casseroles out of the oven?
  • Door Mat – Colorado Springs Sky Sox June 1st – Again, you may have missed this giveaway and what better way for a fan to remember that their team is in last place in the standings and being walked all over. Thus making them the division’s door mat.
  • Mystery Star Wars Bobblehead – Lancaster JetHawks June 14th – What’s better than useless crap? Mystery useless crap. I will feel very bad for the fan that receives a bobblehead of Jar-Jar Binks.
  • Bible Bobblehead of First Wise Man – Nashvillle Sounds June 29th – For a team affiliated to beer drinkers, I’m a little surprised by this giveaway. Don’t worry, you have the chance to own all the wise men in bobblehead form. Just don’t miss one of the other two games because I’m sure you won’t be able to find these cheap on Ebay. Your best bet may be to steal them from someone’s Nativity Scene this December.
  • Free Beer and Hot Wings Bobblehead – West Michigan Whitecaps June 19th – Uh? Why didn’t they just stop after the word ‘Wings’?! Why did they have to add the word bobblehead to the end? Imagine how many fans (and college students from across the country) they could have had in attendance if Free Beer and Hot Wings were on the menu that night. It would probably go over worse than the Cleveland Indians’ 10cent Beer Night.
  • Kayla Miller Vendor Bobblhead and Cowboy Monkey Rodeo Bobblehead – Wilmington Blue Rocks June 10th and 26th – I’m pretty sure this organization is giving away gifts at every game this season, whether it’s salt and pepper shakers or umbrellas or dog bowls. But two unique ones are the bobbleheads for their local stadium Kayla Miller and another bobblehead of the cowboy rodeo monkey. First, the Kayla Miller bobblehead is interesting and let’s be honest, who wouldn’t want a collectible bobblehead of themselves. But having 1000 other people having a mini statue of you on their mantle is a little creepy (or even creepier, in their bathroom). The cowboy rodeo monkey bobblehead is crazy awesome if Whiplash (the Monkey) actually makes an appearance. This isn’t the first time we have highlighted Whiplash in an AA post, and I’m sure it won’t be the last.

Keep sending me those interesting links. I only have so much time to find them myself.

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Pack Your Bags, It’s Moving Day: Week 3 Derby Review

If you aren’t like me who is constantly monitoring score updates or watching multiple games with a sweet multi-screen setup in your basement, then don’t worry, I have all of your Kings of Cork Home Run Derby news over the last week wrapped up here in this small summary.

MLB Review Studio in NY

The goal here is to get your team mentioned in the ‘Moving On Up‘ portion and not in the ‘Moving On Out’ portion of the review. And if you are lucky and I’m feeling ambitious, you may get a sweet team name icon posted if your team traveled long distances in the Standings.

Moving On Up:

    Before I review the movements in week 3 of the Home Run Derby, I’d like to point out that ESPN has finally acknowledged the existence of a baseball team in Milwaukee. That’s right, the Brewers are #1 in the ESPN Power Rankings. That may be a first… ever. So I will enjoy it while it lasts (and so should all Brewer fans).

    Back to regularly scheduled programming…
    Again, we are still early in the season so A LOT of teams are bunched up in the standings which makes it fun to look at the +/- column every day. This week there were 8 teams who managed to jump 30+ spots in the ranks and all of them had more than 6 home runs in week 3. The biggest jumps belong to … but when I do, I Profar Dos Equis and our 2011 Champion What’s 5 bucks(both +37 with 6 homers), and the largest jump in week 3 of +40 spots with 7 homers goes to Mindock’s Claim Crushers who moved from 72nd to 32nd.

    Claim Crushers

    Claim Crushers

    Their team was lead by the Cuban sensation Yoenis Cespedes with 3 homers. Prince Fielder also woke up last week with his first 2 homers, and Freddie Freeman contributed another 2 homers in Group D (maybe he was grouped too low?!). Cespedes and Freeman also contributed to “The Most Interesting Team In The World” 6 home run, +37 week.

    Ruby In The Rockies

    Ruby In The Rockies

    Even though Claim Crushers had the largest jump, they didn’t hit the most homers in week 3. There were a lot of teams that hit 6 and even 7, but only one team managed to hit 8 big flies… Ruby In The Rockies. Their team was swinging for the fences lead by Justin Morneau’s 3 homers and Albert Pujols week leading 4 homers. Pujols now sits only 2 homers away from the elite 500 HR club which would make him only the 26th player to complete this feat. He’s definitely not starting cold this April like seasons past.

Moving On Out:

    And now for the dreaded moving on out awards for week 3… Thankfully, no one moved in the wrong direction as much as our Moving On Up leader did this week. But several came close.

    Five teams were caught moving more than 30 spots in reverse. At -30 spots, Let’s do Better this year! moved from 47th to 77th. At -34 spots, The Bryce is Wright fell from 27th to 61st. At -36 spots, Keeping up with the Joneses went from 50th to 86th and Bucky Ballers (last season’s champion) went from 38th to 74th.

    But the biggest move in the red for week 3 belonged to the team of Little Easy’s. They managed to go from 33rd to 70th by collecting only a single home run this past week. Their team wasn’t the only one to only muster up a single long ball. There were 13 other teams that also tallied only a single home run including 4 of the 5 teams listed thus far. But there are always teams that manage goose eggs every week. Keeping Up with the Joneses and LutherDad accepted the home run halos this week. The halos don’t mean you are eliminated from competition but it does mean you have a large climb ahead of you.

    Looking forward to another week of baseball in April and the weather is warming up which means one thing… more home runs.

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Miami Marlins President Doesn’t Survive Off-Season

Happy first day of real baseball… that’s right, spring training games started today. I can’t wait til I’m watching live baseball in 80 degrees in Arizona. Because all this TV time due to the polar vortex is making me go insane. For those of you who don’t know me outside of my baseball personality, I’m a sucker for competition reality TV. Big Brother, Amazing Race, Redneck Island, Top Shot, etc… I like them all. But Survivor is one of my all-time favorites. I can remember VHS recording (the primitive DVR) the first season and watching naked Richard Hatch walk around like he owned camp followed by the greatest Survivor speech ever ‘The Rat vs The Snake‘.

So I was a bit excited to see when the casts were announced that David Samson, owner of the Miami Marlins, was going to be part of the Brains team. What was even better about this announcement was what was stated in his released game biography under his claim to fame. And I quote, ‘Got local government in Miami to contribute over 350 million dollars to a new baseball park during the recession.’

WOW!!! That’s some balls. I know I would be furious if I was reading that in Miami. And for a guy, who is always in the media’s listening ears, to state that not knowing it would come back to bite him. He doesn’t seem that brainy to me. He also sent his team’s strongest player packing, or so he thought, within minutes of meeting them. I hope he decides to do the same with the Marlins strongest player, Giancarlo (straight to the Brewers). So it’s not so ‘unbelievable’ that the Brains team voted him out as the first loser of Survivor this season.

Don’t worry David, you get to come back to a winning baseball team… only until April, when your team’s record is no longer 0-0.

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MLB Comedy Club

This has been a slow baseball story year… at least it feels like it to me.

Biogenesis has come and gone (others continue to talk about it… boring). There are some close division races. Trades have been minimal. But finally, the boys have loosened up a bit out on the field. The Marlins and Diamondbacks have some kind of wrestling fetish going on. John Buck had an incident with a wiener in Milwaukee. But the past few days have been more like a comedy club out on the diamond.

So, I’ll be your MC for today’s show. And you guys are in for a treat as our first act comes straight to us from the runaway NL East. Give it up for Chris Johnson.

Chris Johnson was ejected from a game this past Saturday for arguing balls and strikes. Knowing he was in the wrong (come on, I even know not to argue about the umps job), Chris Johnson decided to take self humility as a way to earn back Jim Joyce’s trust (maybe also a bribe to help Johnson win the hitting title?). Before Sunday’s game, Chris Johnson literally taped his mouth shut so that he couldn’t argue with the ump. This was also valuable lesson for all the teenagers out there…

Second in our act tonight is a comedy duo. Put your hands together for Billy Beane and John Daniels.

The A’s and the Rangers’ front offices are messing with Adam Rosales’ mind. How you ask? Here are the past 6 events for Rosales MLB career:

  1. On July 31st, the A’s designated Rosales for assignment, aka a demotion to the Minors, to make room for another player in the Bigs.
  2. On August 2nd, the Rangers claimed Rosales from waivers due the designation.
  3. On August 5th, the Rangers demoted him once again to the Minors.
  4. On August 8th, the A’s claimed him back from the Rangers from waivers and had him arrive with the team in Toronto.
  5. But the A’s weren’t ready to keep him and demoted Rosales to the Minors yet again on August 10th.
  6. But guess who really wanted Rosales, the Rangers. They again have claimed Rosales off of waivers… but for how long?

Just think of how many extra frequent flyer miles Rosales and his family are receiving the past 12 days. They may be able to take a free vacation to Oakland soon.

Our next act will definitely make you LOL. Here’s JJ Putz.

How do you make a really bad closer look even worse??? Blair entrance music in the middle of his delivery…

And now the moment you have been waiting for tonight. Our headliner of the evening. Let me hear you give it up for Adrian Beltre.

Let’s let Beltre’s base running do the joke telling…

Thank you. Thank you. I’ll be here for the next few months.

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Breaking News: Astros Win AL and Marlins Win NL By Default

The MLB announced the suspensions from the Biogenesis scandal at 3pm ET today… and it wasn’t pretty.

It turns out that the original 12 players named on the report leaked in January by the Miami Times was just the beginning. In fact, EVERY player in the MLB and Minor League systems have been suspended for the remaining 50-games of the regular season…

EXCEPT the players of the Miami Marlins and the Houston Astros. Not because there wasn’t any evidence, but because the evidence just didn’t add up to the performance of the teams. It seems like logical reasoning was used to pardon these two complete teams. I mean, how can two teams who are accused of juicing only win a combined 79 games out of 220 games? They can’t lose that many even if they tried.

What does this mean for the remainder of the 2013 season? All teams not named the Marlins or Astros will forfeit the remainder of their games. Therefore, by default, Miami will finish 95-67 and win the NL Crown. Meanwhile, Houston will finish 88-74 and take the BQ9GFYCCQAAxMQ8AL Crown.

The playoffs will still be played and both teams will be required to appear in front of fans for batting practice in the following cities: Houston, Miami, Boston, Tampa Bay, Detroit, Atlanta, Pittsburgh, and St. Louis. After their tour of the country, they will finally meet in Miami and Houston for the World Series. This will be the lowest attended and viewed World Series in history since Miami only has 1 fan who usually falls asleep behind home.

Can we just get back to playing and talking about baseball game now? Good. Thanks.

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Survivor 2013: July 18-19

Did you make? Did you Survive the darkest days in sports for 2013? You must have if you are reading this, but I bet it wasn’t easy.

Maybe you caught up on the Big Brother unemployment list. Maybe you caught up on what Drunk Uncle has to say. Maybe you caught up on who was left off the HR Derby selection form (and then won the MLB HR derby). Maybe you just sat back and watched the boring All-Star game on replay… over, and over, and over, just hoping for more offense.

If you made it through Wednesday than you probably at least caught up on the PGA. Which is currently back in golf’s homeland.

Yes, the two days following the MLB All-Star game are the S…L…O…W…E…S…T days in sports. But if you made it through those days, I raise my glass to you (see, that’s how I made it through… with a cold one in hand).

Here’s looking forward to a fun and exciting final 3 months of baseball and the HR Derby. The trade deadline is coming up to shake things up a bit. And someone has to dethrone Big Diehl’s Bombers from the 1st half lead (This may be the tightest race in the HR Derby at the all-star break yet. Almost 15 teams within 10 homers of the lead).

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AA: Presidential Player Presiding

So maybe your fantasy baseball team is struggling, or maybe your real team is struggling, or maybe your statistical world just got rocked… Well, how about some marketing antics from The Commish’s backyard to cheer you up? (You don’t have a choice, you are going to hear it).

In the Northwoods League, the Waterloo Bucks are holding a great promotion on July 13th for Presidents’ Day. Not that they need the fan support (they took 1st in the 1st half of the season), but any fan with the last name of any of the 44 US Presidents gets in to Saturday’s game for free.

That’s not all… if you have a last name the same as the current President, you get to play shortstop for the team (pending a physical). Do you know how bad I want to find someone with the last name Obama?! Just to see some random person play shortstop for a single inning would be awesome. Too bad no one within 240 miles meets said criteria.

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Astros Concessions Just Plain Sh#$@y

After a bit of an internet fiasco, the Kings of Cork personal office is back to firing on all cylinders… something that the Houston Astros can say.

The Astros find themselves with the worst record in the American League (thankfully, Miami is worse in the National League), but somehow the organization managed to find themselves in even a crappier situation (pun intended).

Who in their right mind as a food vendor thinks its OK to take the food into the bathroom with them? I don’t care if you are about to s%$t your pants, I don’t care if some hooligans take free sno-cones from outside the restrooms, what I do care is that my food was next to the porcelain throne.

What I’m curious is how many one liners can we make from this incident. I’ll start but feel free to post your one liners below in the comments:

  • Does your sno-cone taste like crap? Because mine does.
  • Mom told me never to eat the yellow snow, but she didn’t say anything about the brown snow.
  • I didn’t think MinuteMaid park could get any crappier.
  • The Astros say ‘You are what you eat’ so no wonder why the team is so sh$#ty.
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