Breaking News: Astros Win AL and Marlins Win NL By Default

The MLB announced the suspensions from the Biogenesis scandal at 3pm ET today… and it wasn’t pretty.

It turns out that the original 12 players named on the report leaked in January by the Miami Times was just the beginning. In fact, EVERY player in the MLB and Minor League systems have been suspended for the remaining 50-games of the regular season…

EXCEPT the players of the Miami Marlins and the Houston Astros. Not because there wasn’t any evidence, but because the evidence just didn’t add up to the performance of the teams. It seems like logical reasoning was used to pardon these two complete teams. I mean, how can two teams who are accused of juicing only win a combined 79 games out of 220 games? They can’t lose that many even if they tried.

What does this mean for the remainder of the 2013 season? All teams not named the Marlins or Astros will forfeit the remainder of their games. Therefore, by default, Miami will finish 95-67 and win the NL Crown. Meanwhile, Houston will finish 88-74 and take the BQ9GFYCCQAAxMQ8AL Crown.

The playoffs will still be played and both teams will be required to appear in front of fans for batting practice in the following cities: Houston, Miami, Boston, Tampa Bay, Detroit, Atlanta, Pittsburgh, and St. Louis. After their tour of the country, they will finally meet in Miami and Houston for the World Series. This will be the lowest attended and viewed World Series in history since Miami only has 1 fan who usually falls asleep behind home.

Can we just get back to playing and talking about baseball game now? Good. Thanks.

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